Hey, y'all!
So, a few weeks ago, I started this blog with this idea in my head that I'd be posting all of the healthy recipes I've been creating over the past few years (I'm still workin' on some cookie recipes that my coworkers have been tasting for me; don't you fret), and that I'd have a whole lot of positive and fun thoughts and ideas to share. I thought that by now, I'd have done a good amount of writing and cooking/baking--the things I most love to do--and have posted it right here for your enjoyment, but boy was I just shooting for the stars. I want so much to share all of the lovely aforementioned things with y'all, but I have since realized that I still have a lot to work on within to get to that wonderfully ~radiant~ place I'd like to be at in order to do so. That place is one where I'll have the motivation to make my food look pretty enough to post on the internet (because no one wants to look at ugly food, no matter how good it might taste lol) and will actually have enough of an an appetite to even look at food, and one where I will have enough energy to do more than just plop right onto my bed as soon as I get home, but it's OK. I WILL get there. It's just going to take some time.
The past three years have not been very fun. I have seen more doctors than I can count, for more health issues than I can remember. I've gotten false diagnoses, taken medicine that I surely did not need to put into my body (I'm not the biggest fan of medicine, unless absolutely needed), and have followed diets and taken supplements that have made me worse off than where I started at. In all of this, I began to lose myself a bit. I wasn't happy because I was constantly worrying about my health; I'd go to a new doctor or be waiting for tests results with hopes of some sort of answer, but rarely ever got one that made any sense. Every time I had a new symptom or pain, I'd panic and research it. I worried over not eating this and that, and going here and there, and looking back, I really just wasn't living at 100%.
Two weeks ago, I had a follow up with my new rheumatologist. After testing negative for Lupus and RA, among many other autoimmune diseases (which was great news), she diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia. I have experienced every textbook symptom of Fibro over the past few years, yet no one ever thought to check if I have it (There isn't a tried and true test; it's hard to diagnose, I suppose.). I was told I had this and that, that it was just my anxiety and was just in my head, then finally, I had an answer. Fibromyalgia is a syndrome characterized by chronic pain, fatigue, sleep, memory, and mood issues. It's basically just a group of symptoms that doesn't really have a "cure," nor does it have a clearly known cause. It's pretty messed up, but I was actually excited for this diagnosis. Sure, it's a chronic disorder (that I still believe is a result of some other underlying issue in most people who suffer from it), but hey, I can finally put a name to the majority of health issues I've experienced, and I can and will learn how to get through it in time. I can relax; I can breathe.
With that said, this hole I've dug for myself has just gotten worse and worse over time. Between reading medical journals, and searching through long threads in the deepest corners of the internet about my symptoms, I was really just not in a healthy mindset at all. How was I supposed to heal when I was just making myself more and more ill with every Google search? I became a ball of anxiety, and made myself feel even more sick than I actually was at certain times. Now that I've received this diagnosis, and after the past year or so of really nailing down a good diet for my body, I can honestly say that things are looking up. I'm aware of this medical anxiety issue I have created for myself; I can say it, and I'm trying with every fiber of my being to pull myself out. So, I'm hereby climbing up a ~symbolic~ ladder and getting the heck outta here !
I love to bake and cook and write. I love to travel, and laugh with my friends until my (non-existent) abs hurt. But most importantly, I love to be alive, and I can't truly live without engaging myself in the things I love. I've found what I've been looking for--I've been "diagnosed" and got the answer I so desperately prayed for--and sure, it kinda sucks, but it could be SO much worse. I constantly remind myself that things could always be worse, and that they WILL get better. I have so much to be thankful for, including my health. I always think of that saying that if God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it; and He did just that. But now it's my turn to keep on dancing through this beautiful life that I'm living and make the best of it the only way I know how: food, beautiful words and laughter--lots of laughter. (Yeah, I'm cheesy. I'm ok with it.)
If you stayed with me through all of this, thanks for reading my sappy blog post. It needed to be said, and I'm proud of myself for working through this fibro-madness, especially during the first three years of my undergrad. I'm going into my senior year this fall, and I think I'm starting to get to a good place physically. Maybe I'll finally bring myself to do some real hiking in my "gorges" college town (Wow, am I cheesy today or what??), or maybe I'll take a class I wouldn't otherwise take in my pretty empty second-semester, senior year schedule (Scuba diving anyone??). I'm ready for whatever life throws at me, even if I have to deal with it at my own pace, and I ain't scared of a little school or physical activity.
I hope that if you ever find yourself knee-deep in some sort of hole, or rut if you will, that you find your own "ladder" to climb up. Remember: whatever it may be that's keeping you there doesn't hold as much power over you as YOU do. You're so strong; don't ever forget it! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go make some tea and do some writing.
Xoxo,
Anastasia
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