What fuels my soul? Singing along to the radio while driving down a country road, sipping a perfectly hot cup of ginger tea, reading a good book...the list could go on. But the best answer to that question would have to be finding the perfect combination of words when I'm writing. Words are kinda my thing, and writing them well makes me unbelievably happy.
So, as my last winter break begins and the new year approaches, I'd like to share some thoughts that have come up in reflecting on the past year...
It's been some time since I've written a post; and to be quite honest, it's been some time since I've actually written much of anything. Life just seems to get in the way, and then weeks go by without me writing anything at all. There have been many, many late nights recently when I couldn't sleep and found myself going through old poetry and forgotten thoughts on my notes app. And rather than writing anything new, I've edited and at times, deleted, a lot of my writing in an effort to make it all perfect. And that seems to be my problem: why I haven't quite found my groove for some time.
I'm a perfectionist. Nothing I do or write is ever good enough for me--I'm my own worst critic--and this seems to be my fatal flaw. I do this with most things in my life; and whether it be criticizing a recording of me singing, or cringing at the sight of my pale, bony winter body in the mirror, it happens every day.
When I go back through my old writing, I end up editing or deleting things about 60% of the time. I've found myself questioning what I wrote, and why I ever thought it was good enough to put on the page. But that other 40% is spent admiring the beautiful words which once flowed from my tired heart at some ungodly hour of the night. Some of those words are awful, and I honestly have no idea what a past, sleep-deprived version of myself was trying to say or emote. Yet, I've realized that I need to give myself some credit where it's due, because sometimes, well, my words are lovely and beautiful.
My words are my heart spilled out on a phone screen at one a.m.; they're unfiltered thoughts through which I share my hopes, dreams, and fears; and they're one of the few ways which I can truly express my (very) introverted self. Words are my happy place; they fuel my soul. I've truly found a home on the page, and don't know who I'd be if I'd never started writing.
Last year, my New Year's resolution was to write something--anything--every day. I kept it up for a good three months, and I found a new home in poetry (which was wonderful!), but then life got in the way...again. And since then, I've used every excuse in the book to assure myself that I'm better off not writing more often. So many ideas have popped into my head but never made it to a page because of self-doubt, and well, fear, which really just sucks. So, I'd really like to make some changes this year.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting about writing because it's one of my greatest passions, and I've realized a few things...How exactly can life get in the way of my writing if it's the very thing that should be fueling it? And how can I ever expect to write something that I can be proud of if I keep editing and deleting my words? If I'm always so unkind to myself?
I think that 2019 needs to be a year of self-love. I need to stop being so critical of myself: my writing, my voice, my body. And I'd like to learn to do this, especially now that I'm nearing my final semester of college: a liminal time wherein growth is imperative and inevitable as I journey into the rest of my adult life.
Every moment of every day should be spent loving oneself, but I've let my anxieties get in the way. From now on, I'm not going to scold myself if I don't write anything for a few days, or weeks even, but I will ask myself why I'm not writing. If it's coming from a place of fear, then it's gotta go!
I want to keep doing what I love. Even if it's not necessarily always writing, I'd like to find ways to make my days a little brighter, and my soul a little happier in 2019. I want to learn to let go of the habits and criticisms which have intoxicated my creative voice and well-being for way too long. I want to love everything that I create--the good and the bad--because it's all a part of me. I don't want to just like me and all that I create, but rather, I want to love me--every part of me.
In 2019, I want to navigate this thing called self-love a bit better so that I might actually be proud of and content with all that I have to offer this world. And maybe, along the way, I'll even find the courage to share my words with others.
I hope that we can all find what makes our souls a little happier and days a little brighter in 2019, so that it might be our best year yet! I wish you all the best of luck in the new year!
Xoxo,
Anastasia
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