In January, after seven months of searching for a full-time job in my field, I started working as a junior publicist at an arts management and publicity firm in NYC. But three months later, I was sadly furloughed due to quarantine restrictions. I hope to be working full-time again soon, but for now, it's looking like I'll be working on a contract basis.
It's been a crazy year since graduating last May, and it's kind of funny how things work out sometimes. For the past two months, I've had all this time on my hands yet have been without much motivation to do the things I want to.
It's ironic, really, because if you'd asked me how I was in early March, I would've said tired and burnt out. And then, poof, a few weeks later, and I have more than enough time to rest, exercise, and eat well.
But even with all this time to relax, my body still has just not been feeling right. Finding the might to be productive, and honestly, to be kind to myself, has been hard.
Did I eat something "bad" recently? Did I not sleep enough this week? Did I not do enough of this or that? These are all questions that run through my mind during a flare up, and I hate that.
I’m out here wracking my brain about what I did to feel this way, when in reality, it’s not really my fault. I can’t always control how my body feels — I can do and eat everything “right” and still feel unwell. Many of us with chronic illness know this to be true. It's frustrating and discouraging most days, but in the end, I can't completely control how I feel.
Looking back, I've realized that my relationship with food is much healthier than it was a few years ago.
I don't worry about eating the "right" or "wrong" things every day like I used to. When I did that, I became obsessed with food. I thought it was the be all end all of my health and was living in fear of it. As a result, I became malnourished and underweight from cutting so much out, and in my eyes, food was no longer the source of nourishment and enjoyment that it once was.
Sure, maintaining a healthy diet is important, especially when certain foods can upset my stomach or cause inflammation. But I can't place the status of my health in the hands of food.
This is something that I see so many people doing online, specifically on Instagram.
Food can make a difference in how we feel, but when you're eating a healthy and diverse diet that best fits your needs, and you still feel sick, then maybe food isn't really the culprit...
Unless an individual discovers that their symptoms are related to Celiac Disease, a gluten intolerance, or food allergies, there is no "perfect" diet that will completely cure them of their chronic illness.
I need to remind myself of that a lot.
Just because my body can't work the way I want it to doesn’t mean it isn’t working the best it can. It doesn't mean I'm not doing the best I can.
Our bodies do so much for us; sometimes it's easy to forget that. Practicing self-care is a good way to remind yourself of this. And in my mind, putting time and effort into your wellbeing is synonymous with focusing on self-love.
Over the past week, I started each day with a golden milk latte to soothe my stomach and joint pains and a basic to-do list to make myself feel productive. And over time, I hope to stop letting the food I eat control my life.
Little things can go a long way, including being kind to ourselves throughout the week.
If you've ever found yourself in a similar headspace, whether it be about food or anything else in your day-to-day life, I hope you'll find room in your heart for yourself, too. You deserve some credit; you're doing the best that you can, and that's more than enough.
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